only fools fall for you.

[esiasch]

[ there's been something on jace's mind for weeks. he refuses to acknowledge what it actually is, because that makes it all the more real -- and, as far as jace is concerned, it's all in his head, exactly where it should stay. except that it's made him more irritable than usual, more reckless and volatile, more intent on hunting demons even past the point of exhaustion. he practically sleeps in the training room, too tired to go back to his own room, and he knows it's obvious to everyone else that something is wrong and that he's just too stubborn to admit it. there's nothing wrong, he insists, even when he's laying in the infirmary after a particularly nasty run-in with a demon. if alec hadn't been there, he'd probably be dead. izzy just rolls her eyes, lips pursed like she knows something jace doesn't. she probably does. ]

[ it goes on and on like this, and his only moments of solace are with alec, which seems ironic given that alec is the root cause of all of his problems. it took him a while to realize, and he still doesn't entirely understand where it came from, when he's spent practically his whole life around alec. maybe it just hadn't been obvious before because he hadn't been looking for it until izzy planted the idea in his head (it's alec, isn't it?) -- jace knows she hadn't meant it like that, but somehow it all got twisted, and alec is the only person ever on his mind anymore. he shouldn't be, which is the problem. shadowhunters aren't supposed to feel like this. parabatai aren't supposed to feel like this. they're brothers, bonded for life, and still ... jace feels like there's something missing when he isn't with alec, like he can't remember how to breathe or think or act without him there, reduced to nothing more than righteous fury on a mission. ]

[ there are always girls to distract him, sex without attachments, but his mind always strays to something else -- someone else -- and he finds little pleasure in the company of anyone who isn't alec lightwood. it's simply one distraction after another that brings jace no closer to making sense of any of this, why he looks at alec and has to force himself to stop looking, why when alec smiles his chest clenches and he wishes more than anything he knew what that happiness tastes like, how it would feel to be so close to him, enough to feel the warmth of alec's breath on his mouth. it's crazy how alec's presence makes him feel so live, while his absence, no matter how small, feels a little like dying. ]

[ he doesn't mean to barge into alec's room unannounced. in fact, he hadn't even meant to barge into alec's room at all. he's exhausted from late night training after an already brutal mission, and the most he's thinking about is taking a shower and crashing -- he just hadn't been paying attention to the fact that his room is another door down, too tired to care at this point. maybe in the back of his mind he'd been thinking he could just use alec's shower, and alec obviously wouldn't mind, right? it's not like they haven't seen each other in various states of undress before, and alec is his parabatai. it shouldn't be weird. (nothing should be weird, except that is has been, recently, as much as jace has tried to deny that.) ]

[ so the door opens to reveal one: not jace's room; and two: alec, mostly naked, squirming under his own hand. instinctively, jace knows he should leave. but by some force of nature, he doesn't, and instead closes the door behind him and braces himself against it, caught somewhere between staring at alec and staring anywhere else but alec. ]

Well, at least now I know you aren't a total prude.